


Once is Never Enough

by MellytheHun



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Romance, Tumblr Prompt, almost break-up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 14:17:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6707611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MellytheHun/pseuds/MellytheHun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After hurting Derek with an unprompted disappearance and reappearance, Derek is intent on keeping Stiles out of his life forever, but Stiles is nothing if not persistent. And head over heels in love with Derek. Prompted by randombreaths on Tumblr, for the phrases, "I'm sorry for breaking your heart," and "you promised you'd never leave me."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once is Never Enough

“Look, I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry for breaking your heart.”  


Derek still won’t face him. His shoulders are hunched in that way they get when he’s on the cusp of a meltdown and Stiles feels far away. From Derek, from himself, from his life… all he can really feel is regret. Every other nerve feels burnt out and numb. He hasn’t felt anything for months.

He wants to touch Derek, but he can’t. He doesn’t know if that counts as a feeling, though.

“What makes you think you have that capability?”   


Stiles rolls his eyes, his stomach turning with them.

“Don’t fuck with me, Derek,” Stiles crosses his arms over his chest, “I was the world to you once.”  


“ _Once_ ,” Derek says severely, his head just slightly turned, “And once is enough. Once is enough to say goodbye and to say goodbye forever. Once is enough.”  


Stiles wants to keep bickering, say something biting or sarcastic - get back on familiar ground, but Derek doesn’t use words like ‘forever.’ Derek _never_ spoke in extremes. That was always part of the problem.

But now something is wrong that has never been wrong before and the air in the loft is tight with its wrongness. Stiles can’t tell what’s changed. It’s something in Derek - maybe it’s the fresh wound of Stiles’ betrayal. He can’t tell.

“What do you mean, forever?” Stiles asks, anxiety probably palpable.   


“It means leave and don’t come back.”  


Derek says it so calmly, Stiles’ blood runs cold. His heart starts hammering.

“What do you mea-”  


“ _Leave_ and don’t come _back_!” Derek shouts, a feral growl beneath his human voice.  


Stiles jumps, electricity in the air, but not the pleasant kind they used to have. No. Not the kind that would have Derek shoving Stiles up against the wall and kissing him til he was dizzy; not the kind that blinded him every time Derek rolled his hips just right against him or in him. This electricity is different - this energy, this something… it’s not right. It’s something sharp and lethal and flowing around Stiles like a stream around a rock, but that could change quickly. He can feel it.

“…but you promised -”  


“Yeah, and you promised you’d never leave me.”  


Stiles’ mouth clamps shut beyond his control and then Derek turns around. His eyes are glowing and his fangs are out like he’s fighting poison in his blood. 

Like _Stiles_ is poison in his blood.

That thought leaves Stiles breathless and his numbness gives way to sadness; overwhelming sadness, uncontrollable sadness.

“ _Don’t_. Don’t you fucking start crying here -”  


“I can’t - I can’t help it,” Stiles stammers, his hands touching at his neck compulsively.  


“Then get _out_. _Leave_.”  


“Derek, I -”  


“You don’t get it, Stiles!” Derek barks, the veins in his arms straining, his knuckles white, “And you can’t just - you can’t just leave! You can’t just leave here and fuck off to who-knows-where for five months and then come back in here like you belong here!”  


“I _do_ belong here,” Stiles begs; he says it like he knows it to be true, but doubt is bubbling up into his eyes and spilling over onto his cheeks.  


“Not anymore.”  


“No,” Stiles whines; it’s high-pitched, hiccuped almost. It’s pathetic. It’s a plea.   


“Leave. Now. Before I say something I regret.”  


That Derek has no qualms with what he has already said gives Stiles a clawing feeling in his chest. 

They stare at each other for a few beats and, realizing that Stiles clearly isn’t moving, Derek’s shoulders sag and he runs a hand through his hair, looking at his bare feet on the floor. He shakes his head, his eyes losing their glow.

“You’d think with me, once burned twice shy, but I never learn. But it’s not your fault that you made a promise you weren’t going to keep.”  


Stiles’ brows furrow and he sniffles loudly. Derek still doesn’t look at him when he says, “it’s my fault for believing you.”

_no god no don’t say that please don’t say that I meant it I swear I meant it_

No noise comes out of Stiles, though. He’s just frozen there. Useless. Broken. Unwanted.

_“Hey, I’m here, Big Guy - breathe, I’m right here…”  
_

_Derek slowly lowered himself down onto the bed again, the thunderstorm rolling outside soothed him a little, but no as much as Stiles’ voice and Stiles knew that. He stroked Derek’s hair as they both laid down again and he smiled sleepily at Derek._

_“What was it about this time?”  
_

_“I couldn’t find you. It was like with Laura, but it was you. And I couldn’t find you. And I already knew that if I did find you, it’d be too late.”  
_

_Stiles didn’t admit out loud that he was flattered by Derek’s protectiveness over him. That the very idea of him being taken from Derek was cause for a nightmare did little to humble him._

_“I can’t tell the future or anything, but to be honest, Derek, I think you’ll always find me in time. I seriously have every faith in you. And even if you couldn’t get to me in time, you’d avenge me like Kill Bill volume two style. It’d be sick and I’d be in the afterlife thinking about how kick ass you are.”  
_

_Derek wanted to smile but couldn’t force his lips to do it. This - this Stiles sleeping over for days at a time was still relatively new. These moments were tests or milestones. Or both._

_They were always tender and quiet and treated with care. They both wanted to get it right._

_Derek turned over and pulled Stiles into his hulking arms and murmured into the tufts of Stiles’ hair, “I… don’t want to lose you, Stiles. I… I can’t.”_

_He’d never heard Derek sound so vulnerable before. The thunder rolled again outside and Stiles lifted his head a little to kiss Derek’s neck before saying, “well, it’ll be hard to lose me if I never leave you.”_

_Derek gave a small, sleepy laugh and asked, “so you’ll just never leave my side?”_

_“Nope.”  
_

_“You’ll never leave me?”  
_

_“Never.”  
_

_Derek’s arm slithered back from around Stiles and he offered his pinky finger._

_“Promise.”  
_

_Stiles moved back enough to look Derek in the eyes and he was serious. This wasn’t a game or a cute trick. Stiles felt that. The floor was open too - he could clasp his hand over Derek’s and say, ‘I can’t make that promise,’ and Derek would’ve understood. They would’ve been okay. But he wrapped his pinky finger around Derek’s and said, “I promise. I promise I’ll never leave you, Derek.”_

_The kisses started slow and sensual, their fingers intertwining in both hands as Derek climbed over him and that was the first night Derek was **intimate** with him. Sure, they had had sex - they had had intimate **moments**. But not like that night. That night, Derek was thanking him and worshipping him and the pleasure hit Stiles so hard when he came, Derek still inside him, that he cried and Derek kissed his wet eyelashes, kissed his cheeks and his lips. _

_“ **Stiles** ,” he’d whispered.  
_

_**Stiles** , like a prayer, **Stiles** , like a song, **Stiles** , like a heartbeat, **Stiles** , like the rising moon, **Stiles** , like **I need you, I need you, I need you and never leave**. _

_Stiles had never felt so whole, so complete, so desired… so **needed**. It filled him with a sense of purpose, it gave him something to hold on to - more than the strong shoulders he grasped onto then, more than the bruised lips his teeth captured in that moment. No, right then - right then he was everything to Derek and it was heady and powerful and all he wanted in the world was to blend into Derek until they couldn’t tell where one of them began and the other ended._

Now he doesn’t belong, though. He is no prayer or song or heartbeat or moon. He is a poison.

“The first night I went looking for you, I thought I was dreaming.”  


Stiles pushes the heel of his palm under his eye and listens intently because he knows he deserves it.

“I thought it was another nightmare. You’d left your phone, most of your clothes, all your traceable belongings… and you hid your scent from me with that mountain ash concoction. You… didn’t want me to find you.”  


Derek shakes his head and turns away from Stiles again, looking out the French windows at the dark night sky. He crosses his arms and it makes his shoulders look huge and round.

“It took me so long to accept that. I didn’t sleep for weeks. Your father was worried sick, he wouldn’t eat - couldn’t sleep either. We’d just stay up in his office all night. Bouncing ideas off each other about where you could be. Scott felt helpless. We all did.”  


With a soft sigh, he looks up at the moon, partially hidden in a dark cloud. 

“I don’t care why you left, Stiles. I know you want me to ask. I know you want me to beg you to explain, but I’m not going to. I don’t care.”  


Stiles’ heart squirms and he feels nauseous again.

“You left. I trusted you. I believed you. And then, without a word… it was that easy to leave.”  


“It wasn’t -”  


“I loved you.”  


Stiles’ heart skips a beat and he unconsciously takes a step back, suddenly feeling faint. 

“That’s why I never said it; you’re as scared shitless as I knew you’d be. You boxed me in. You were mad that I wouldn’t let you live with me til you chose a university, you were mad that I wouldn’t say it out loud, you were mad that I moved at a slower pace than you. You left. I think that’s _why_ you left too. But why you left - it doesn’t matter.”  


Derek turns around again to face Stiles. His face looks calculated, stoic and cold. 

“You promised me. I believed you. I loved you. And you left.”  


There’s a pregnant pause and then Derek adds, “and that’s how the story ends.”

The silence that falls on them is almost too heavy to bear. Derek, mercifully, breaks it by drawing in a breath, as if to steady himself and then saying, “so, if you have shit here you need or want, collect it and get out. If you don’t give a shit about any of it, I’ll put it out tomorrow, but don’t you fucking stand here and cry. I believed you. And it only goes to show how much of a fucking idiot I am.”

Stiles opens his mouth, unsure of what will come out, but Derek stops him with a raised hand.

“I won’t be fooled again. Love is a losing fucking game and I don’t want to play anymore. You all leave. You all leave. It’s something I should’ve learned a long time ago. So, go ahead, Stiles.”  


Stiles stares wide-eyed at Derek as Derek takes a few steps toward him, all that supernatural power swirling around him like a visible aura. Stiles is as intimidated by it as he is attracted to it, the dangerous way it’s always been between them. 

“Go ahead and _leave_.”  


Derek doesn’t look at him long before turning his back and walking towards the staircase, clearly done with the conversation.

“I came back.”  


Derek stops at the foot of the stairwell. Stiles swallows roughly and clenches his fists.

“They all left - you’re right. You’ve been betrayed more times than you can count. But I’m not them, I’m not like them. I left, I know - but I came back. I was the one that came back.”  


“And it’s been a blessing,” Derek bites drily, “now leave.”  


“I came back!” Stiles shouts, voice shaking as much as his strained arms and quivering stomach, “I came back! I left, I felt lost, I needed to get away - from you, from everyone and this town and all of it - I needed… I made a mistake, Derek. People make mistakes. I…”  


He steels himself and continues, “you’re right. It doesn’t matter why I left. But that I left, while it matters, isn’t the end of the story. I came back. I haven’t stopped home, I haven’t called anyone - I came _here_. I came to _you_. I came back because… I…”

Derek’s head is just slightly turned towards him again, just enough that Stiles can see the lines of his forehead to his high cheekbones, the square of his jaw.

“I love you back… and… I still. I still love you. I still love you,” Stiles gasps, running his hands through his mussed hair, his face hot and cold at the same time, “I, fuck - I’m young and you were the second serious relationship I ever had, but I knew it, I fuckin’ - I _saw it_ \- we were in the kitchen and you looked at me and I don’t even remember what you said, but your mouth was moving and I thought ‘God, _I fucking love him_ ,’ and it was so _easy_ and that scared me so _bad_ , I…”  


He wishes so badly Derek would turn around to face him, so he could try to read Derek’s expression. So he could feel heard. Even if he never feels wanted again or needed again or worshipped again - which he won’t, if Derek makes him leave. Derek is the end-all-be-all and he knows it. 

“I’m never gonna love again. Not like this. If I ever fall in love again, it’ll be with the knowledge that they were second best… and how… how can I… please, Derek… I made a mistake… and all I want…”  


He hides his face in his palms because the rest comes out sobbing and he’s ashamed and he already feels alone again, already feels worthless and unnecessary and like he should’ve stayed gone.

“ _God_ , all I want is you - all I’ve _ever_ wanted is _you_. You’re all I’ve ever wanted or needed and I _love_ you, I love you so much and it fucking, it’s fucking _ruining_ me, it’s ripping me _apart_ that I can’t touch you, that I can’t hold you - that you won’t let me, that I _hurt_ you. I _love_ you and it’s _terrifying_. So I ran away, but I came back even though I’m just as terrified as before, I’m still just as scared, but I know you’re worth it, you’ve _always_ been worth it, I was just stupid, I was just an idiot, I just made a mistake, I - God, just _please_ \- Derek, just forgive me, please, or push me out because I can’t leave you again.”  


His shoulders shake and his knees start to feel weak. His palms and face are wet and hot and he’s scared that if he opens his eyes and takes his hands away from his face, Derek will have already gone upstairs. 

“Once-once burned, twice shy, right? I know it doesn’t seem like it, but leaving you was a burn and I’ll never - I’ll never… my word means nothing now. I know. I… I just love you so much and I’m so fucked. I’m so _fucked_ , cause it just gets bigger and deeper and even when I drove as far as I could fucking drive, it just got wider like this chasm in me that will never stop and I miss you and I can’t - I can’t - I can’t leave you again. Please. _Please_ don’t make me leave, Derek.”  


He might be sick. He feels like he should be hospitalized too; he’s talking too much, he’s ruining everything and he knows it, but he can’t stop.

“I can’t. I can’t. I can’t leave you again, Derek. Please. Please don’t make me leave. Please don’t make me leave again, please I -”  


Warm, strong muscle surrounds him and he’s crushed with the weight of it. He moves his hands a little from his face, thick tears still spilling and running down his wrists. His head is in the crook of Derek’s neck and he’s in Derek’s arms, _God_ , he’s in Derek’s arms again, like grace, like redemption and he can feel Derek’s beating heart against his own chest.

“I -”  


“You love me?”  


Stiles hiccups, but doesn’t hesitate, “so much. So much, I’m _terrified_. I… _please_ … let me come home…”

“You’re scared I’m about to push you out the door.”  


Stiles sobs again and nods violently, “yes, I’m scared - I don’t know what you’ll do, but I - _God_ , I just - _please_ \- you’re my _everything_ , you’re my home and I… _please_ forgive me. Even if you never love me again, just… please… forgive me. Somehow…”

Just as Stiles’ knees give out, Derek catches him and pulls him up. He stands still for a moment and Stiles is positive he’s about to find himself literally thrown out of the loft, but instead, he registers the sound of feet climbing up stairs. He opens his eyes again and looks down, watches the first floor of the loft disappear beneath them. He looks up to Derek and sees the film of glassiness over his beautiful eyes.

“I never stopped loving you. I never will. I can’t.”  


“I don’t want to leave,” Stiles whispers, wet and shaky.  


“Then don’t,” Derek offers gently, “…don’t leave anymore. Come home. Move your stuff in. And when you’re scared, let me in and when you need to leave, let me leave with you.”  


Stiles is confused and enormously grateful and sensing the confusion, Derek explains, “you’re right. We all make mistakes. I’ve made them too. I’ll make more. So will you. But… you’re worth it. You’re worth it too. You’ve always been worth it.”

“Will you still kiss me?”  


“If you don’t disappear when I close my eyes, I’ll kiss you the rest of the night. The rest of your life, Stiles.”  


Stiles makes a noise halfway between a sob and a laugh and when he’s finally seated on Derek’s bed - _their_ bed - when he’s finally seated on _their_ bed, Derek watches him closely before kissing him. The moonlight floods the bedroom and Stiles lets Derek crawl over him, touch him and kiss him because it’s all he wants and it’s all he’s ever wanted or ever will.

He could never have Derek once. Once would never do.

There could never be just one story, of ‘once upon a time, I had Derek and we loved each other.’ Once wouldn’t be enough.

Once is never enough.


End file.
